Welcome to Haggadot.com (the "Site"). Haggadot.com, customandcraft.org, [email protected] and all future,
as-yet-to-be-created brands are projects of Custom & Craft Jewish Rituals, Inc., which is the legal name of this
California nonprofit organization (hereinafter referred to as “Haggadot.com”). All projects of Custom & Craft Jewish
Rituals are subject to the Terms of Service described below. This Terms of Service ("TOS") contain the terms and
conditions that govern your use of the Site, and the Haggadot.com Service (as defined below). This TOS describes your
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acceptance of and agreement to this TOS.
Haggadot.com reserves the right to add, delete, and/or modify any of the terms and conditions contained in this TOS, at any time and in its sole discretion, by posting a change notice or a new agreement on the Haggadot.com Site. In the event of substantive changes to this TOS, you may be notified by email. If any modification is unacceptable to you, your only recourse is to not use the Site and the Haggadot.com Service. Your continued use of the Haggadot.com Site following posting of a change notice or new TOS on the Haggadot.com Site will constitute binding acceptance of the changes.
The Haggadot.com Service.
Haggadot.com provides a number of Internet-based services through the Site as well as any other Haggadot.com affiliate websites, digital content, mobile applications, online service or anywhere the TOS are shown (all such services, collectively, the "Haggadot.com Service"). One such service enables users to create customized products, including without limitation, merchandise and books (collectively, "Products"). Haggadot.com users may create and purchase individual Products for their own personal use. Haggadot.com may offer a number of other services on its Site, including without limitation, message boards, contests, and newsletters, which may change from time to time.
Use of the Web Site and Haggadot.com Service.
Eligibility. Haggadot.com will only knowingly provide the Haggadot.com Service to parties that can lawfully enter into and form contracts under applicable law. If you are under the age of 18, but at least 13 years of age, you may use the Haggadot.com Service only under the supervision of a parent or legal guardian who agrees to be bound by this TOS. The Haggadot.com Service is not intended for children under the age of 13.
Compliance with TOS and Applicable Law. You must comply with all of the terms and conditions of this TOS, the applicable agreements and policies referred to below, and all applicable laws, regulations and rules when you use the Haggadot.com Service and the Site.
Your License to Use the Web Site and the Haggadot.com Service.
Haggadot.com solely and exclusively owns all intellectual property and other rights, title and interest in and to the Haggadot.com Service and Site, except as expressly provided for in these TOS. For example and without limitation, Haggadot.com owns the copyrights in and to the Site, and certain technology used in providing the Haggadot.com Service. You will not acquire any right, title or interest therein under this TOS or otherwise to any intellectual property owned by Haggadot.com.
Haggadot.com grants you a limited revocable license to access and use the Site and the Haggadot.com Service for your own personal purposes, subject to your compliance with this TOS. This license does not include the right to collect or use information contained on the Site for purposes prohibited by Haggadot.com; to compete with Haggadot.com; to create derivative works based on the content of the Site; or download or copy the Site (other than page caching). If you use the Site in a manner that exceeds the scope of this license or you breach this TOS, Haggadot.com may revoke the license granted to you.
This Section 2.3 does not pertain to your intellectual property rights. For information regarding your intellectual property rights, please see Section 4.
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Create and Buy General Rules and License.
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Licensing Your Content to other Haggadot.com Members. Except for any of your Content that you specify as “private” during the submission process, you also hereby grant all other members of the Haggadot.com community a non-exclusive, worldwide, perpetual, irrevocable license to use, copy, publicly display, create derivative works from, and otherwise communicate and distribute your Content for any purpose on or through the Site or the Haggadot.com Service and/or in the Haggadot.com member’s own products. You acknowledge and agree that any such Haggadot.com member can exercise the foregoing rights without further notice, payment, or attribution to you. For avoidance of doubt, any of your Content that you designate as “public” will not be limited to any restricted purpose and is provided on a non-proprietary and non-confidential basis and will be generally accessible by other users of the Site and Haggadot.com Service.
Reservation of Rights.
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You shall not upload, distribute, or otherwise publish through this website any content, information, or other material that (a) violates or infringes the copyrights, patents, trademarks, trade secrets, or other proprietary rights of any person; (b) is libelous, threatening, defamatory, obscene, indecent, pornographic, or could give rise to any civil or criminal liability under U.S. or international law; or (c) includes any bugs, viruses, worms, trap doors, Trojan horses or other harmful code or properties.
Haggadot.com reserves the right to immediately remove any content it deems offensive, or in violation of these Terms and Conditions. Haggadot.com also reserves the right to remove a user account, without notice, if the user has been found to pose a threat to other users or has violated any rule laid out in the Terms and Conditions.
Copyright and Trademark Issues
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Upon receipt of a compliant DMCA Takedown Notice, Haggadot.com will investigate the claim, take appropriate action and serve the notice on our member. If a member submits a DMCA Counter-Notice, Haggadot.com will forward such notice to the party that submitted the relevant DMCA Takedown Notice and allow the member to repost the disputed content after 10 days, as provided by law. Haggadot.com reserves the right to terminate the account of any member who repeatedly infringes the copyright rights of others, as determined in Haggadot.com’s sole discretion.
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Limitation of Liability.
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Term and Termination.
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Director’s Note: You can either read this skit free-form by going around the table and having everyone take turns, or you can assign parts, or you can just have two people take turns reading … whatever makes your Hanukkah kick-ass! If you’re going big, then you’ll want to include the following props: Salty cheese, a bottle of wine (Manischewitz is best), a wine glass and a plastic sword. Have fun!
MACCABEE: 19 lines
BAKER: 19 lines
JUDITH (A BEAUTIFUL JEWISH WIDOW): 10 lines
JUDITH’S MAID: 7 lines
HOLOFERNES (AN ASSYRIAN GENERAL): 9 lines
NARRATOR: 8 lines
NARRATOR: The setting is a battle during the Maccabee uprising against the Assyrian occupation of Judea, circa 168 B.C.E. Scene 1 takes place in the town of Bethulia, near Jerusalem.
MACCABEE: Hey there. I’m a Maccabee.
BAKER: Oh, wow. That’s my favorite cookie. Kind of a specialty of mine!
MACCABEE: No – not a macaroon – a Maccabee. Anyway, I’m here to tell you a cool Hanukkah story you may never have heard before – the story of Judith and the Salty Cheese.
BAKER: I’d rather hear a story about macaroons.
MACCABEE: Shush. You’ll like this story. So, around 168 B.C.E…
BAKER: Whoah – “B.C.E.?” What is that, some sort of boy band?
MACCABEE: No – it means “Before the Common Era.” Just think of it as the year 3593, because that’s what it was on the Jewish calendar. Anyway, during this time, the Jews were fighting to retake the land of Judea after it had been invaded by the Assyrians.
BAKER: The Syrians invaded our land?
MACCABEE: Not the Syrians – the Assyrians.
BAKER: What’s an Assyrian?
MACCABEE: The Assyrians lived in what is now northern Iraq, which used to be ruled by the Greeks.
BAKER: This is getting very confusing. Were we fighting the Assyrians, the Iraqis, or the Greeks?
MACCABEE: That’s not important right now! The point is, it was a seriously tough battle. There were only a few hundred Maccabees fighting thousands of Assyrians. And to make matters worse, the Assyrians had the meanest, toughest general we ever saw. His name was Holofernes.
BAKER: His name was what?
BAKER: That’s like the worst name ever. It sounds like a potted plant. Maybe that’s why he was so mean?
MACCABEE: Maybe. Anyway, his mission was to defeat the Jews. And it was working, too. Holofernes had cut off their food and water supply, and they were quickly running out of everything.
BAKER: Even macaroons?
MACCABEE: ENOUGH WITH THE MACAROONS! THERE ARE NO MACAROONS IN THIS STORY!
BAKER: Oh, OK. Sorry.
MACCABEE: All right, I’ll add some macaroons at the end if you’ll just let me get through this part.
MACCABEE: OK. Luckily for us, there was a beautiful Jewish woman named Judith. She was a widow who was tired of seeing her people oppressed by the Assyrians. So she hatched a plan.
JUDITH: I have hatched a plan! I shall go to see Holofernes, along with some salty cheese, a bottle of wine, and my trusty maid.
MAID: I’m the maid.
BAKER: Wait – why does Judith have a maid?
MACCABEE: Everyone had a maid in those days.
BAKER: But I mean like, if her people were oppressed and didn’t even have enough food and water, how did she have wine and cheese? And for that matter, how could she a afford a maid?
MAID: Excellent question.
MACCABEE: Quiet! Judith, I’m sorry. Please continue.
JUDITH: Thank you. I shall go with this salty cheese, some wine, and my trusty maid [SHOOTS BAKER A LOOK] who continues to work for me even though I can’t pay her right now. I may wind up dead, but I’ve got to try to save my people. But first, I need to put on some foxy clothes. Maid, fetch me that red backless Valentino and the black Manolo slingbacks.
MAID: These are her clothes. And yet she can’t afford to pay me.
NARRATOR: Judith and Maid exit.
BAKER: Wait – why is Judith putting on foxy clothes to take on an evil general? How is that going to… oh, I see where this is going.
NARRATOR: Judith and the Maid enter the Assyrian camp.
JUDITH: Yooo hooo… Holofernes!
HOLOFERNES: Who dares enter my camp? I shall smite you and make you rue the day you… [SPOTTING JUDITH]… whoah. Well, hello. You’re mighty foxy. Who are you?
JUDITH: Hi, I’m Judith. And you’re mighty handsome yourself… for an evil general who wants to starve my people to death, that is.
HOLOFERNES: Wow! Thanks! How about if you hang out here while I figure out how I’m going to kill every last one of those Jewish Maccabees?
JUDITH: That sounds perfect. But you know what? You look a little tired and hungry. Why don’t you come to my tent and rest while my maid whips you up a little snack?
HOLOFERNES: Your maid? [SPOTS MAID.] Oh, hey. I didn’t even notice you were here.
MAID: Story of my life.
HOLOFERNES: OK, well, I guess I could use a nosh.
NARRATOR: Holofernes and Judith go into her tent.
JUDITH: Maid, give the general some of my delicious cheese.
MAID: Yes, your majesty.
NARRATOR: Maid hands Holofernes a big piece of white cheese.
HOLOFERNES: Wow. This is delicious. Hey, this cheese is making me so thirsty.
JUDITH: Maid, give the general some of my delicious red wine.
HOLOFERNES: Oh, I really shouldn’t drink before going into battle.
JUDITH: Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure your army is going to be victorious. They’ve got you to lead them, and you’re such a big, strong hunk of a man.
MAID: I gotta admit, she’s pretty good at this.
HOLOFERNES: I guess you’re right. All right, pour me some of that wine. [MAKES GULPING SOUNDS] Woooh – that’s really sweet. But it goes down well with the salty cheese.
NARRATOR: Maid pours him another glass of wine, which he guzzles down as he eats another big chunk of cheese.
HOLOFERNES: Yeah, that’s delicious. [HICCUP.] Oh, man. I’m getting really sleepy.
JUDITH: Then why don’t you just lie down for a minute?
HOLOFERNES: Well… all right – just for a little while. Don’t let me sleep more than 45 minutes, OK? Cuz I really gotta go kill some Jewzzzzzzzzz…
NARRATOR: Holofernes falls asleep and begins to snore loudly. Judith then grabs his sword from his belt.
JUDITH: Sweet dreams, sleepyhead. And speaking of your head… HA-YA!
NARRATOR: Judith wields the sword and chops Holofernes’s head off.
MAID: HOLY CRAP! YOU JUST CHOPPED HIS HEAD OFF! I did NOT see that coming!
BAKER: Me neither! This story is crazy!
MACCABEE: And you won’t believe what happened next. Judith took Holofernes’s head and hung it outside the tent for all the Assyrians to see. Once they saw their general had been slaughtered, and by a woman, they completely freaked out! And the Maccabees got a second wind when they saw what a champ Judith was, and they kicked some Assyrian ass!
BAKER: And THEN they all ate macaroons?
MACCABEE: [SIGHS.] Yeah, then they all ate macaroons to celebrate. And because of Judith and her incredible bravery, in addition to the latkes and jelly donuts that we eat on Hanukkah, we also eat salty cheese.
BAKER: Like Feta?
MACCABEE: Sure, like Feta.
BAKER: I have another question.
MACCABEE: Of course you do.
BAKER: Actually, two. Why do we spell “Hanukkah” so many different ways, and why is it that we remember the Maccabees, who were super-fit and strong like you, by eating heavy fried food and cheese?
MACCABEE: Those, my friend, are very good questions that even I can’t answer. Now I’m really hungry, so when I count to three, all listeners and actors wish each other Happy Hanukkah with feeling! One… two… three!
EVERYONE: HAPPY HANUKKAH!
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